1 Corinthians 1:25-28 Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men; and the weakness of God is stronger than men. For you see your calling, brethren, how that not many wise men after the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called: But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God has chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty;And base things of the world, and things which are despised, has God chosen, yea, and things which are not, to bring to nothing things that are:
One day I want to write a children's book called "The Things Which Are Not". I don't know what it's going to be about yet except for a theme that speaks to kids who struggle with finding their self worth because their strengths may not line up with what our culture values.
I'm a pretty popular guy at this point in my life. Most people like me and find me interesting. Sometimes I even get to take an attractive girl out on a date or two. But growing up I had huge insecurities and I was one of the more unpopular kids in school.
Some insecure kids try to earn their validation through other means like high academics achievements. I went to a charter school my senior year of high school to raise my grades high enough to make it into SDSU. I think I graduated high school with a GPA around a 2.5. Some insecure kids try to earn their validation through sports, I was 5'4 heading into my junior year of high school and was always one of the worst players on any youth team I was a part of. Some insecure kids try to find their validation in their physical appearance. For some absurd reason I wanted to have a flat top through early years of high school. Combine that with braces and two fake teeth up front and I was not a very attractive teenager.
So some insecure kids are quiet because they've learned that when they are the nail that stick out, they get the hammer. That lesson never caught on with me so I was constantly trying to earn my worth through humor or acting out to get attention.
I was not smart (at least academically), I was not athletic, I was not good looking, and I was not wise enough to keep quiet. All that attention I received by trying to be funny was mostly negative attention. I envy people who say they enjoyed high school, my experience was anything but a safe and positive environment.
Most people are surprised when I tell them I was bullied through high school and quite unpopular. I suppose at some point I grew up socially and began to realize all the things that I would need to do to win at this social game of life.
But here's the thing, that 15 year old, insecure kid that begs for attention is still me. Sure my braces are off and I've learned a few lessons but I can't turn my back on that 15 year old Matt or else I'm just recreating the same rejection he went through at 15. I'm doing the same thing to him that others did to him.
According to the world (which in high school meant the jury of popular kids), I was foolish, weak, base (meaning uninteresting and boring), I was not anything anyone wanted any part of.
And God chose me. Chooses me. To tell my story and be of influence in this world to others who struggle with their identity.
Some of my current friends tell me that I am so confident when I speak in front of groups or when I flirt with girls. That doesn't come from an inflated sense of ego and thinking that I'm the man. It comes from realizing that I'm not, but that's not where my validation comes from anyway.
Don't hear what I'm not saying: I still struggle with wanting the approval of this world, but day by day I've come to realize that I don't want to play this game anymore.
Sometimes I wish I could go back to 15 year old Matt and tell him he doesn't have to strive for others attention. But then maybe if he didn't have to face the rejection that he experienced he wouldn't have had that gaping hole that caused him to search for something more. I'm glad I went on that search, because it forced me to face God and realize I had transferred all of the qualities I faced in this world onto him.
"Why would God want anything to do with me? I'm not what he wants."
"You're right and wrong Matt. You are not. But you're exactly what I want."
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