Swiss Cheese Personalities

So as an aspiring therapist half way through my graduate school courses I tend to continually assess the people I interact with on a daily basis. This has not come as a result of my graduate school, I think I've done this my entire life, so therapy is more of a natural fit for me. I have a natural curiosity about what makes people think, feel, and behave the way they do in the circumstances that they are in. When I'm in an entirely healthy and surrendered place, this assessment trait of mine is quite useful to relate and empathize with others. They feel loved and I feel connected without any value judgement being made. When I'm in a selfish or defensive posture, this trait can be manipulative, judgmental, and just plain cruel. The trait itself is neutral, it's the inner disposition of my soul that needs to be held accountable toward loving others.

Some people are more open than others to hearing feedback on my thoughts. All of my best friends share a willingness to listen to myself and others speak into their behaviors and ask questions about their motivations. Of course this is reciprocated and I also try to have an open posture for others to do the same to me. The freedom I have found by not pretending to have my shit together and to let others speak into my life has been such a relief. Who was I fooling all along anyway?

But then there are people who are resistent and defensive towards anybody who hints that something may be a little bit off in their life. And I do mean anybody. I'm not talking about a healthy boundary that guards against someone who they don't know and don't trust shaming them. I'm talking about the people-- I think we all know them-- who refuse to be reasoned with about their obviously defective behavior. It seems that anybody in a position of authority that could critique them is somehow disqualified. These people think that their pastor is an idiot, their boss is incompetent, their family is crazy, and their professor is unfair.

As someone who is very introspective, these people can really set me off. Their inability or, better yet, unwillingness to let others hold a mirror up to them drives me crazy! How can you go on so unaware and blind to your own behaviors? But hey-- I've certainly had my own stubborn pride in my past and I'm sure even now there are areas of my life that have yet to be uncovered that are harming me and possibly others.

One of the biggest defenses I hear from people who don't want to look at themselves is a boasting about another successful area of their life. You see this a lot with people who struggle with alcohol abuse but make lots of money so somehow that means that they don't have a problem. These "high functioning alcoholics" have a higher potential for arrest and death than the drunk who is on the side of the road. The drunk on the side of the road is a lot closer to knowing about his own unmanageability and asking for help than the millionaire accountant who just bought his second home. Or how about the 21 year old college student who is addicted to pornography but is leading bible studies through his church? He looks really good in his small group and people really enjoy his thoughts and ideas, so the consequences for his acting out are much harder for him to see.
It is very difficult to speak into the lives of these two people because somehow they see an intervention on their acting out behavior as a threat to their entire person. To that I offer the following analogy I picked up in class tonight. We were talking about assessing for "developmental holes" in a client. These can be big indicators as to what your forms of treatments can be with them. Think of their personality as a slice of cheese. A perfectly healthy, well adjusted, emotionally mature, securely attached person is going to have absolutely no holes to speak of. Everything is going to be filled and whole. Jesus Christ was a nice slice of cheese. Complete and whole, lacking nothing.


You and I? We are swiss cheese. Because of the fall of man, because of sin, because of wounding, pain, fear, selfishness, and more we have holes in our being. Does this mean that we are evil? No. It makes us human and in a beautiful way it allows us to connect with each other in our imperfection. I may have a good job, in graduate school, and serving at my church but I'm fooling myself if I believe that those things make me completely whole. And I'm doing myself and those close to me wrong in thinking that just because I have a nice thick piece of cheese in one area, that I am not empty and lacking in another. This past weekend I was confronted by a very close friend for something very cruel that I did months ago in an effort to make others laugh. Is it fair of me to say, "Oh yeah I know I did that but I don't have an issue with insensitivity and cruelty because I'm generally a loving and kind person who is empathetic and in a lot of ways courageous!" Of course not! People are messy. People are whole in some ways and empty in others. Sometimes it's confusing as all get out how one person can display both strong positive traits and strong negative traits but believe me my direct family is living proof of that.

But let's scale it back just a little bit and drive it home. Let's say you are typically a wonderful worker at your job or in your classroom. If a boss critiques a report you turned in or an interaction you had with a client, are you willing to hear that feedback? Or do you take it as an attack on your entire worth as an employee and gossip about him after he leaves? If a professor in one of your courses gives you a C on a paper you wrote, are you willing to listen to his assessment of your writing? Are you willing to consider the possibility that he could be exposing a hole in your cheese? Or are you going to point to the part of your cheese that is thick and full, like the rest of your GPA, and immediately discredit the professor as unfair and irrational?

I am no where near perfect in this regard, but I invite you to join me in this journey of realizing our own swiss cheese personalities and accepting others feedback and assessment when we get it. Take it as a gift, because people, especially those closest to us, see us physically exponentially more than we see ourselves (unless you're a narcissist with a mirror in your face all day I suppose). It might be possible that they have a much better view of us emotionally and cognitively as well. They may see the holes in our cheese a lot easier than we do. If they approach you relationally and gently, chances are they are right.