A Desire to Desire

I just started reading the Bible consistently for the first time in my life about a month ago. I always grew up learning scripture through going to Church but I never had a dedicated routine the way I thought a good Christian should. When I got into college I would have sporadic quiet times where I would read the bible but nothing every day to day.

Then about 2 months ago I started to read Walking With God by John Eldridge and in that book I marveled and the real and authentic relationship Eldridge is able to have with God. I wanted what he had and I started to pray that I would desire God more and more. Since then I have been reading scripture quite a lot. In reflection I think I have started to realize why the Bible would turn me off in years past. I would read the Pslams or the letters of Paul and I would compare my experience with their writings. This discrepancy between the two would be filled with feelings of guilt and doubt. I don't know if I ever consciously named it, but when I would leave those times feeling empty and jaded it's as if I was brushing scripture away and saying "It's too confusing to read this because I can't relate so I'm not even going go try."

Today God pinned me down in a quiet times and challenged what my desires in life are currently. I started to think and started listing them off. Most of the desires are good desires that I know God has placed in me. But then He told me to read Pslam 42.

Psalm 42:1 As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God.

Pant - To long demonstratively; yearn.

If I were to write this verse in my current experience it would say:
"As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for graduate school to hurry the crap up so I can graduate already." 
or 
"...so my soul pants for a girl to make me feel better tonight because I don't feel good." 
or 
"...so my soul pants for a legitimate head coach for the Chargers to finally instill a sense of pride in this team."
But rarely does my soul pant for God. Sometimes it does, and I always feel closest to Him and most at peace with myself during that time but it's not my consistent experience. 
Tonight God reminded me that it's okay to be honest with where I'm at with Him. Somehow I always forget. So I ended up praying something like this:

"God I have so many desires in my life and the thing is most of them are months away from being attained and there's really nothing I can do about it. But here you are ready and attainable and I don't desire you the way I want to and the way the writers of the Psalms do. But I desire to desire You in that way."

Bingo. 

I knew that that was enough for Him. What a beautiful place to start. I want to desire God the way I desire a National Championship for Aztec Basketball or a Superbowl ring for the Chargers. I want to desire him the way I desire this girl I'm quite fond of and think about often. I want to desire him the way I desire sleeping in after a long night of fun. So I got this sense that there's a lot of grace for me right now and He's going to honor that desire and place that deeper in me.